Birthday

For months now, I have been dreading my up coming Birthday. Literally months--I have two separate drafts from September I never posted about the subject. I haven't enjoyed my birthday for a long time (final exams in college didn't help,) but I couldn't really put words on why this one was going to be so hard.

Since high school I have used my 25th as the birthday I would have certain goals started if not accomplished. Things like Love and marriage, career, friends, church/faith. I had certain expectations for myself. I know 25 is a young age for these things, but to be honest I have been thinking about them seriously a lot longer than most do. Most 15 year old boys don't day dream about marriage and children--I did.
I hated my childhood, and I decided young that success in these areas would allow me to have a more enjoyable adulthood--as well as make sure my kids had a better childhood that I did. And while I am not sure I want to get married or have kids anymore, I still feel this certain dread at not having had a chance to at this point. I wanted a career, a job I loved, or if not loved, at least one that would make me rich. Neither has happend. I wanted to be living in an area where I had lots of close friends and neighbors--I have few friends at all who are anywhere close to me. I was sure that by 25 I would have a church I loved and a faith that I had prayed for. In fact, I have a church a feel little connection to, and a faith which has been almost non existent for years.

Now just to clarify a few things, this is not a pity party. I have a good life, in fact I have a very blessed life. I have many people who care about me and love me. I have a job, and it pays the bills. I have a God who loves me unconditionally. I know these things, and I hope you will never hear me say anything to suggest otherwise.
However, knowing these things does not comfort that little voice in my soul or heart or head or whatever that keeps trying to remind me that I am far from the person I had hopped to be. I am a mere shell of that person. Teenage Daniel would be a little POed right now...
I suppose I am not dreading my birthday now as much as I was a few months ago, probably cause I have had plenty of time now to swallow the perverted feeling of failure. But I am still hoping it passes quickly. I am fortunate the holiday comes so quickly afterwords, it allows me to blend in a little bit. I have done everything in my power to fill that day with monotonous obligations and distractions.